The Hag Depression

Sometimes, in the mornings, I send an email to my co-worker from my "burninghags" account. I watch him open the emails....he hasn't said a word to anyone in the office about them......

a hag

---

(no subject)
5 messages

---

From: a hag	Fri, Dec 16, 2005 at 9:24 AM
To: Jim Solar
Do you have any jobs for old hags?

---

From: a hag	Thu, Dec 29, 2005 at 9:08 PM
To: Jim Solar
I am looking for a job....I am dying soon. can you help. I am a HAG. I NEED A JOB. WHY DON'T YOU RESPOND.

---

From: Jim Solar	Fri, Dec 30, 2005 at 8:25 AM
To: a hag
Who is this? [Quoted text hidden]

---

From: a hag	Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 9:24 AM
To: Jim Solar
I need help down here..i....need a job. Please, sir. My bones are moist and raw...i am looking for temp work. [Quoted text hidden]

---

From: Jim Solar	Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 9:29 AM
To: a hag
Look, stop sending these. It's not funny anymore.

---

Christmas With(out) My Son

I sat there all night
And you did not come.
I held your present so tight
that I started bleeding on it.

Josh, you were it for me,
my only son and guest.
How could you sliver away

on baby-Jesus' birthday?

don't you know
that I bought you an ipod Nano?
And some mints...
and Adobe Photoshop Pro?

I will kill you
trap some snakes in a net
and sew you inside of
their bodies.

Who let the dogs out??

Today, I was brought into a closed conference room and told that "NBC has found my blog." While making no mention of the fact that my blog is written from the point-of-view of a witch living at the bottom of the ocean...they did inform me that the dog pictures I posted were property of NBC and must be removed immediately. It went a little like this...

***

Them: Uh....yeah those dog pictures? You're going to have to

get rid of them...

Me: Oh? The ones on my blog? My Salty Sea Hag blog?

Them: ...yeah...the...salty...hag...whatever, just take those dogs down.

Me: Goodd, FINE!! Geez!!
***

I then stomped to my cubicle and blasted "Last Resort" by Papa Roach... and then judged more dogs. ding DING ding.

Today

UGLIEST DOG DIES AT FOURTEEN

In related news...

I'M STILL ALIVE!!!

Friendly Reminder

On our planet, this can actually happen...

Geena Davis: Witch of the Armed Forces

Fine... I'll watch your show this week, you salty seductress. I'll watch it with one eye open in case you zap me with your sexy president gaze. You think your gaze will lower taxes and gas prices? You think people have forgotten that you were in the orginal cast of "Buffalo Bill?" No one has. Be careful, Davis. I'm closer then you thin-
What?
Fine, most people have forgotten...but I haven't.

HAGS CAN READ

If AM New York didn't publish an "Animal Report" daily, I wouldn't have known that...

"a Florida woman has been arrested for padding her bra with a stolen rare parrot. Jill Knipsel (35) hid the Greenwing parrot in her bra and tried to trade the bird for a vintage car. However, it turned out that the car's owner is friends with the man who owns the rare bird. After DNA tests confirmed the bird's identity, Knipsel was charged with grand theft." (AP)

I also wouldn't have seen...

Dante Ruffin's response to the question:

"What issue should the next mayor make his top priority?"

Dante (19) says, "Security and Safety! New York is the only city where people are trying to kill thousands of people at one time."

In other news...

My body is crippled... and I murdered a school of sand sharks today.

The Elf Problem

For those of you who don't know, I have a little sister. Her name is Neyney. She is a young hag and an elf-catcher. We have had quite a problem with evil elves down here. They live in the crevices of rock formations. They scurry and kill. You can read it about it on her blog:

Evil Elves

Horse Shark

I remember now...

It was you in my dreams...
Why did you sweat so much?
And give people advice,
so much?

No one asked your opinion,
and no one cared!
We didn't need a Horse Shark to tell us
that we were being un-fair!

No pun-intended
But you were a real NAG
And all this coming from a withered old hag.

But after the day is done
And we've lost touch.
One question still lingers...
Why did you sweat...
so much?

seriously.

Dear Anonymous,

You asked what the difference between a "witch" and a "sea hag" is...
Well, basically... witches are tricky and evil and can be young or old. Sea hags are evil hags that live in caves at the bottom of the sea. They have hard lives, trying to hunt and murder and raise children. I know you think that your curiosity is endearing, but it only makes me want to burn you, and keep you.

Best,
Dr. Hag

Op-Ed/Op-Art

***
Dear cartoon-drawing-witch,

You look like a sea hag.

snakes & lions,
plaza

The Bush Witch Project

President George W. Bush w/ newly appointed political Hag Harriet Miers...
SUPREME COURT HAG.