Salty Sea Hags

The Hag Depression

2006-01-24T11:08:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, in the mornings, I send an email to my co-worker from my "burninghags" account. I watch him open the emails....he hasn't said a word to anyone in the office about them......

a hag

(no subject)
5 messages

From: a hag

Fri, Dec 16, 2005 at 9:24 AM

To: Jim Solar

Do you have any jobs for old hags?

From: a hag

Thu, Dec 29, 2005 at 9:08 PM

To: Jim Solar

I am looking for a job....I am dying soon.

can you help. I am a HAG. I NEED A JOB. WHY DON'T YOU RESPOND.

From: Jim Solar

Fri, Dec 30, 2005 at 8:25 AM

To: a hag

Who is this?

[Quoted text hidden]

From: a hag

Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 9:24 AM

To: Jim Solar

I need help down here..i....need a job.

Please, sir. My bones are moist and raw...i am looking for temp work.

[Quoted text hidden]

From: Jim Solar

Tue, Jan 24, 2006 at 9:29 AM

To: a hag

Look, stop sending these. It's not funny anymore.

Christmas With(out) My Son

2005-12-28T16:18:00.000-05:00

I sat there all night
And you did not come.
I held your present so tight
that I started bleeding on it.

Josh, you were it for me,
my only son and guest.
How could you sliver away

on baby-Jesus' birthday?

don't you know
that I bought you an ipod Nano?
And some mints...
and Adobe Photoshop Pro?

I will kill you
trap some snakes in a net
and sew you inside of
their bodies.

Who let the dogs out??

2005-12-05T23:54:00.000-05:00

Today, I was brought into a closed conference room and told that "NBC has found my blog." While making no mention of the fact that my blog is written from the point-of-view of a witch living at the bottom of the ocean...they did inform me that the dog pictures I posted were property of NBC and must be removed immediately. It went a little like this...

***

Them: Uh....yeah those dog pictures? You're going to have to

get rid of them...

Me: Oh? The ones on my blog? My Salty Sea Hag blog?

Them: ...yeah...the...salty...hag...whatever, just take those dogs down.

Me: Goodd, FINE!! Geez!!
***

I then stomped to my cubicle and blasted "Last Resort" by Papa Roach... and then judged more dogs. ding DING ding.

Today

2005-11-23T10:38:00.000-05:00

UGLIEST DOG DIES AT FOURTEEN

In related news...

I'M STILL ALIVE!!!

Friendly Reminder

2005-11-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

On our planet, this can actually happen...

Geena Davis: Witch of the Armed Forces

2005-11-09T19:02:00.000-05:00

Fine... I'll watch your show this week, you salty seductress. I'll watch it with one eye open in case you zap me with your sexy president gaze. You think your gaze will lower taxes and gas prices? You think people have forgotten that you were in the orginal cast of "Buffalo Bill?" No one has. Be careful, Davis. I'm closer then you thin-
What?
Fine, most people have forgotten...but I haven't.

HAGS CAN READ

2005-11-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

If AM New York didn't publish an "Animal Report" daily, I wouldn't have known that...

"a Florida woman has been arrested for padding her bra with a stolen rare parrot. Jill Knipsel (35) hid the Greenwing parrot in her bra and tried to trade the bird for a vintage car. However, it turned out that the car's owner is friends with the man who owns the rare bird. After DNA tests confirmed the bird's identity, Knipsel was charged with grand theft." (AP)

I also wouldn't have seen...

Dante Ruffin's response to the question:

"What issue should the next mayor make his top priority?"

Dante (19) says, "Security and Safety! New York is the only city where people are trying to kill thousands of people at one time."

In other news...

My body is crippled... and I murdered a school of sand sharks today.

The Elf Problem

2005-11-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know, I have a little sister. Her name is Neyney. She is a young hag and an elf-catcher. We have had quite a problem with evil elves down here. They live in the crevices of rock formations. They scurry and kill. You can read it about it on her blog:

Evil Elves

Horse Shark

2005-10-28T22:26:00.000-04:00

I remember now...

It was you in my dreams...
Why did you sweat so much?
And give people advice,
so much?

No one asked your opinion,
and no one cared!
We didn't need a Horse Shark to tell us
that we were being un-fair!

No pun-intended
But you were a real NAG
And all this coming from a withered old hag.

But after the day is done
And we've lost touch.
One question still lingers...
Why did you sweat...
so much?

seriously.

Dear Anonymous,

2005-10-26T17:27:00.000-04:00

You asked what the difference between a "witch" and a "sea hag" is...
Well, basically... witches are tricky and evil and can be young or old. Sea hags are evil hags that live in caves at the bottom of the sea. They have hard lives, trying to hunt and murder and raise children. I know you think that your curiosity is endearing, but it only makes me want to burn you, and keep you.

Best,
Dr. Hag

Op-Ed/Op-Art

2005-10-22T22:31:00.001-04:00

***
Dear cartoon-drawing-witch,

You look like a sea hag.

snakes & lions,
plaza

The Bush Witch Project

2005-10-20T18:21:00.000-04:00

President George W. Bush w/ newly appointed political Hag Harriet Miers...
SUPREME COURT HAG.

Come on, guys...

2005-10-19T17:37:00.000-04:00

Is it really punishing Saddam to put him in a huge playpen with all of his friends??

Hags Against War

2005-10-18T16:55:00.000-04:00

I don't normally keep up with the news, except when it has to do with old people and hags. And yesterday my wildest dreams came true...

***

"Manhattan - Eighteen anti-war grandmothers were arrested and face disorderly conduct charges after they showed up at a military recruiting centre in Times Square saying they wanted to enlist.

 Police arrested the women, ranging in age from 49 to 90, after they sat down on Monday in front of the recruiting station to protest the war in Iraq, police said.

 When the women, including Marie Runyon, who is 90 and blind, tried to enter the station, they found it locked, said Joan Wile, 74, director of Grandmothers Against The War.

 "We tried to ring the bell at the booth, but no one answered," Wile said. "I saw a head poke up from behind the counter every once in a while and then duck back down. I don't know what they were afraid of. Maybe they don't know how to deal with a bunch of grannies." (Newsday 10/18/05)
***

It's too bad they missed the real story behind this... these hags were witches! Liberal Witches! 

either way they were hags,
plaza 

Extreme Makeover: Hag Edition

2005-10-14T19:57:00.000-04:00

ABC is looking for new homes for EXTREME MAKEOVER. I filled out my application and sent it in yesterday!!

Here are the pictures I sent them of my snakes lair cave!

And here is a highlight from the application I submitted to ABC! Cross your fingers and raise your brooms....

***
PART 1) - YOUR FAMILYS INFORMATION

TODAYS DATE: 10/14/05
Family Name: Hag
Address: Ivy Sea, Snake's Lair, Pitcairn
City: Ivy Sea State: ? Zip: 666
Home Phone: howl 3 times, wave a rat's tail
E-mail: saltyhag@hotmail.com
Marital Status: I am a widow, I put a spell on my husband (a Merlock) and he died.

List ALL members of household (Including Yourself):
Name Birthday Relationship Occupation One-Word Description
1. Me - I am a Sea Hag, I am starting to get good at the internet and hunting sharks
2. Josh - a nice boy, starting to get into girls, hates me
3. Snakes and Serpents - evil murderers

Education:
High School / Some College / College Degree / Graduate Degree
witch school
Employment Status (choose one):
Full Time / Part Time / Unemployed / Disabled / Student
hunting snake corpses/ being a hag

Approximate household income:
Less than $10,000 - X
$10,000 $50,000
$50,000 $100,000
More than $100,000

Is anyone in your household members of any theatrical unions (AFTRA, SAG,
etc.)? Y / N
???

Any previous TV appearances (list title/date):
I applied for VH1's "In Search of the Partridge Family" Reality TV Show. I made it to the second round by singing "So Far Away" by Carol King. However, I didn't get on because there were no hags on that show originally. Or demon witches.

Have you been or are you involved in a lawsuit?
No. But I put a spell on a sand shark for stealing sting ray flesh out of my cave. Which was against the law.

;TTARGET STORIES

SATAN CLAUS

2005-10-11T15:55:00.000-04:00

Burn in Hell, Bath and Body Works

IT'S NOT EVEN HALLOW'S EVE YET!!!

(image posted 10/7/05)

Geena Davis: Commander in Witch

2005-10-11T14:36:00.000-04:00

Why are you so tricky and magical? Stop seducing me into watching your show. Don't you remember that movie you did with Michael Keaton? You think you can run the free world with your pouting lips and your smoky gaze. Take me with you and we can-

Whats that?

It was called Speechless.

...I knew you wouldn't remember.

Another Poem for My Son

2005-10-10T09:56:00.000-04:00

I'm Sorry I was Late, that Time after Basketball Practice

How did it feel, Josh?
To sit there that long.
Did people care? Did people stare?
Because I was not there?

You can't change some things.
And you can't turn back time.
No matter how much,
you wish you weren't mine.

I gave birth to you down here.
I gave birth in the tides...

Look carefully, Josh, you have my eyes...

Microsoft Excel Gypsy

2005-10-07T15:23:00.000-04:00

The only thing false about this picture... is that cat and my smile.

Ebay Witches and Tricks

2005-10-06T17:13:00.000-04:00

Fine...sometimes I google my own name. It's not a crime, okay? But what I discovered to be the 6th Search Result is more then a crime....it's a wicked spell so ghastly and salty that even I can't undo it.

Click here (& scroll down) if you dare...
CURSE OF THE EBAY COAT

Someday, I will find this "sally" or
"ebay member 1241" -------->
and I will spit on her skull and pour bats in her hats!!!!!

I WAS NEVER IN YOUR PLAY OR IN YOUR SATAN COATS, SALLY!!! BBURN IN HELLLL!!!!!!

Dunkin Donuts

2005-10-06T11:50:00.001-04:00

I guess they just opened one down here. I can't do anything in the mornings without my coffee. Seriously, I am a zombie without caffeine in the morning.I changed my hair....again, yes I know.

demons, coffee and hags,
Aubrey

Not Funny

2005-10-02T21:51:00.000-04:00

SSSSssssomeone sssssent this to me as sssssome sssssort of joke. Whoever it was will burn in ssssserpents hell!!

Spell Journal 2

2005-10-02T20:44:00.000-04:00

Two days ago, I put a spell on a sunken canoe and turned it into the ghost of my father.

CORPSES AND DEVILS AND HAGS BURN IN HELL,
Aubrey

Tonight

2005-08-16T23:14:00.000-04:00

Trying to write anything is such a chore for me. There are too many distractions. I have found that the only way I can write is if I am listening to this random Spanish ballad sea station. I have no idea what they are singing about. God, now I am rambling. I never thought I would be one of those hags that writes every little stupid detail about her life...oh well, here I am. I am dying. Seriously. My only son has left me and I am running out of crustations and mollusks.

I am a sea hag.

A Poem for My Son

2005-08-15T21:17:00.000-04:00

Josh Look Carefully, You have My Eyes.

You don't know it yet, but
you are my son.
I had sex with a Merlock, and now
you are my son.
It is a bad time to tell you
I know...
But I am getting old and slow.
My bones are shaking
My womb is dry.
Josh,
do you know why?
No! Stop running from me!
You are my son!
The sun is brighter than the moon
but the moon is not the sun.
You..
You, Josh are my son.
Look Carefully, You have My Eyes.

Lisa's Party

2005-08-12T21:02:00.000-04:00

I still feel really hung over. I thought it would be a one-day-sickness deal but I was completely wrong. And it was no help that I had to wake up at twilight and help Sylzia hang snake corpses in the back terrain. I can't beleive that Nick showed up. He was being totally rude to most of us and didn't even wear a costume. If he was in such a bad mood to begin with, then he should've stayed at home and left us to have a good time. Whatever, Nick. And I don't even care that you are probably reading this. (and a big thank-you to the Marrow Hag Triplets for thier ghoulish spirit).

Spell Journal 1

2005-07-19T17:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Spell Diary,

I put a spell on a Sea Gull this morning.

snakesbreath,
Aubrey